The worst thing is boredom combined with anticipation. I'm waiting for my COVID test results and can't find anything to do. The attempt would be to write boredom, so don't expect anything entertaining. My stupid gen Z brain is in need of constant stimulation, therefore writing boredom is the only way for me to keep my fingers off of my phone. The idea is to write until the test results arrive. They should come within 24 hours. I took the test at 8AM, now it's 5PM in a minute.
I've taken a COVID test each day this year. On the first day I was hoping to get a negative result, because I didn't have any symptoms. I manifested a test with a CT level over 30 and was disappointed, when the score was just 28.12. So yesterday I thought it would be the day the CT goes above 30. I washed my hair, shaved even, hoping for jesus knows what. The CT was 29.67. Today I haven't been hopeful. It's my fourth full day of isolation and feels like I'll be here forever. I'm laying naked on my bed, refusing to believe I'm going anywhere, although I do have a bit of hope of seeing someone today. Anyone really.
There were no symptoms, but when I really thought about it, there were some weird things happening inside of my body. For example I felt as if my body had run out of magnesium. Thinking about it, I had lost my appetite, therefore hadn't really eaten any salty foods, whilst drinking a lot of water. So maybe this wasn't a symptom, but a consequence. Okay, but loss of appetite? Maybe I'm just excited to be abroad / depressed / anxious / in love?
Running out of things to say … see, I hate narrative and linear writing and etc etc etc (cause I'm such a cool kid), yet I thrive for narrative or some dramaturgy. I keep the paragraphs equally long, trying to type sentences of various length.
Let's jump over here. Maybe eventually I'll get really sentimental. Or bring in fictional characters.
I just texted Krõõt that I'm such a capitalist to myself in a sense that I use all of my sufferings for profit. I mean, that's the only motivation for myself to suffer. Which – to be honest – brings me to the conclusion that maybe therapy really is just a hobby for me. Something intellectually stimulating, like playing chess for example.
Hmm, Krõõt accused me (okay, it was not an accusation) of thinking I'm better than the people who go to therapy. I do not. But I do suggest going to therapy a lot. Alright, if I compare going to therapy with playing some sports … let's say squash? Both for posh people. So your friend goes to play squash every other day. What are the chances they won't constantly remind you of this, post videos of them bouncing balls off the walls and – most importantly – try to convince you to join them? Eh? And for an unathletic person (that I like to identify as) it could come off as offensive. Not offensive … more like attacking? Why would I want to play squash? Do they think I need it? Do they think they're better than me?
And in conclusion – both parties are with pure intentions. No one's attacking anyone or thinking they're better than the other. Maybe someday I'll be the kind of person that plays squash AND goes to therapy. Maybe even squash therapy sessions? That'd also have to mean that I'm rich and probably childless. Or I have an au pair. Or I'm retired.
Okay, this retirement thing is also something that gets on my nerves. What do you mean you're saving up for your retirement? Having kids so you won't be alone when you're retired? Shut up, you're 40, you could be going out on dates, even if, god forbid, you're monogamously married.
Living in the moment …
That's what I'm trying so hard to do now.
I've been writing for 15 minutes. Soon I need to pee. Although I can feel the boredom kicking in slowly. I have calmed down, I'm not as anxious as before. I'm also not really thinking about where the next sentence will take me. Maybe I've given up. Maybe giving up is part of the authentic boredom package?
Can curiosity also be a part of boredom? Because in order to feel curious you have to have some free time on your hands … I think. Some free space in your head to let random thoughts of curiosity flow in? Or are they antonyms in a sense that although the symptoms of each may be similar, the words we're allowed to use for it have to be different. Different on some cognitive level.
Got bored of the last topic. Oh, I think that's how it's done. I'm so bored I don't even want to type anymore. The kind of bored where I'm not even curious anymore where this will take me. Uh, maybe curiosity in this case is a stage of boredom? But yes, I think the text's already a bit too long for anyone to read it. Also too boring. And if I cut out the best parts or edit it then it'd lose the initial idea.
About needing to feel entertained – during my COVID days I finished the Netflix series Emily in Paris. It's not a recommendation, I'm not even going to review it, but you can assume it's tacky. And you know, not even in a good way. At some point I turned on a film that'd been on the Estonian National Television and I really struggled to watch it. It was artsy and I probably would've enjoyed it. Okay, occasionally I do enjoy watching artsy films, reading books by… Dostoyevski or something … Maybe since I've spent the last 5 days alone my brain really needs a little more stimulation than usual? Let's stick with that.
So, it seems to be a pattern. A random paragraph, during which I suddenly become interested in something, and by the end of the paragraph, tired again.
It's also intriguing how I have images in my head while I'm writing. Random sceneries from the area where I live in Tallinn. Pictures from places that I've walked past. And for some reason, the season's summer. The trees are green and the sun is…
… Oh shit. I accidentally became sentimental … That's surprising how I just slipped right into it.
I just sighed super loud. The test result yesterday came at 18PM. Now it's 27 minutes past 5PM. I don't know. There's aso this thing that since I don't have an Austrian telephone number I'm using Krõõt's. So they have to forward me a text code each time I want to see the results.
I don't even know where they are. Maybe they're in a tango class right now … Oh, I just realised I'm bringing Krõõt in as a side character, just to make things more interesting. Nevermind, enough about them.
(The scene in a film where someone blows up their cheeks, looking like a hamster, and then tapping the table with their fingers. And making the eyes really big, looking at someone for a second and then looking away again.)
Okay, not even kidding. Someone I met on Tinder just commented on my Instagram post that maybe I should go jogging. See? Do they think they're better than me just because THEY DON'T GET A HEADACHE FROM THEIR HEAD JUMPING UP AND DOWN WHILST HOPPING ON HARD ASPHALT? Greetings to you, J. I actually had met them once before we met on Tinder. Estonia is really small.
Vienna is bigger. I quite like it here. Although I feel like I already know too many people living here. I don't yet fully understand the size of the city and people's daily route's, so I shouldn't YET be concerned about meeting acquaintances on the street.
It's been 35 minutes now. Feeling … sort of frustrated actually. Bored of the boredom, overexcited about the excitement itself. What else should I write to you about?
Okay, I don't know if this counts as bringing 'you' in as a side character..? Although, yes, let's talk about you instead:
- How's your day been?
- Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs test?
- What does feeling feel like?
- Do meta questions like this also annoy you?
- Why is that?
- Do you think you have bigger mommy or daddy issues?
- Have you called your family members enough?
- And why is that?
- Are you in love?
- What are the symptoms of being in love?
- The consequences?
- Have you eaten today?
- Do you like olives?
- Would you like to go for dinner?
Just kidding. I can't go anywhere yet. Not without the test results. Still not here, still need to pee soon, also getting sort of hungry. Hmm, I guess when boredom turns into frustration things can get a little grumpy. Back to you:
- Would you prefer feelings over meanings?
- What do you mean? Okay, like in the context of art…
- Orange or apple juice?
- What's the best hotel breakfast you've ever had?
- Can you drive?
- Where would you go if there were no climate crisis and no other crisis really and the gas was cheap and the sun was shining?
- Did you know that someone behaving badly to you is a reflection of them rather than a reflection of you?
- Was it too sentimental?
My fingers are getting tired of typing. But I even like this numb feeling in the fingertips. Usually means I've gotten a lot of work done. Caught up with the deadline. Sent the email. Submitted the application. Written boredom for 45 minutes in a row?
I wish this would be the end.